I feel it is the right time to let all of my readers know what has really been going on with my life these last couple of months. My recent posts have no doubt suggested that everything was fine. I thought it only right to let you know that those posts were queued up from when I created them over winter break. I wasn’t sure how often I would be able to create posts with my spring semester schedule, so just to make sure I had a good enough amount I made them to go along with what i would create during the semester in my spare time.
Anyway, mid-January was when I came back to school and things were looking great. Then I went home the first weekend of February to hang out with my family for Super Bowl weekend. I wasn’t upset or anything, but I was holding a lot of emotions inside. Come Monday when I woke up for chapel, something wasn’t right. I had upset stomach, felt dizzy beyond belief, and my wrists were in great pain, making it difficult to write or even to pick anything up properly. I skipped all three of my Monday classes and saw the nurse.
Some of her expertise and research on my part revealed to me I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This was not new to me at all, but it was certainly upsetting. See, I had anxiety in high school just months before I got saved. I bunch of people prayed for me and I was no longer anxious. Sure, like any human being I got nervous about things, but I wasn’t anxious.
Why would anxious return? I wondered.
Well, to say it plainly, my family life is not the best right now. Issues here, issues there. Yelling, cussing, disobedience, and selfishness. What happened to my loving, church-going, Jesus-worshipping family? When did the cigarettes get here? When did he get this drunk? When was dating an unbeliever okay? Such things worried me. I care for my family so much, it hurts sometimes.
I couldn’t hold it in anymore. The headaches, muscle aches, and other symptoms were only getting worse and I was having panic attacks multiple times a day. I had to tell someone….anyone.
So I told my RD and a trusted female Bible Department professor. They helped me by listening and giving counsel and advice. But I also had to (suggested by the professor) tell some trusted friends. That’s where it got a little tricky though. As much as I loved my female friends I had a hard time every time I tried to tell them. To bring the mood down any time we were together just to bring up what was going on was a constant thought in my mind. Also, I was becoming much more comfortable hanging out with and telling things to boys. Working with a whole group of them here on campus several times a week in the cafeteria this year might be why that is, but anyway I told two of my male co-workers/friends and a friend of mine whom I met the semester before and had had some pretty cool conversations with. I knew he would not go around blabbing to everyone if I told him my issues. All three of them have my trust 100%.
Their prayers along with those of the professor and my RD have been showing so much fruit in my life lately. Lots of Bible reading and prayer on my part has brought me closer to the Lord.
God also recently showed me that ever since I became a teenager things had not been easy for me (like I said, the anxiety back then and being sick in general) because I focused my thoughts on lustful things. God didn’t bring 10 years of hardship on me, I allowed it to happen. The way I viewed guys and the way I let myself become swayed in the mindset of lustful teenage girls from my high school affected my relationships and caused me to question my life for so long. I prayed for forgiveness and have seen God working in me this past week.
Would you all keep me in your prayers for continual recovery? God is so good and I can’t thank him enough for sending his son to die a death I deserved to die. I will try to be more honest with you all and will take any prayer requests you may have. Thank you for following my blog.
Kris Toni Salvador
The Passionate Pursuit